falling into the old habit of wanting sexual desire to be reciprocated as a form of validation of my significance. 

at least this time i noticed early. 

now, to get rid of it. 

Non-Musical Beginnings

I always feel self conscious, left out, when people talk about their super developed sense of music. When they praise the classics like Tupac, Biggie, Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill, etc because honestly I didn’t grow up around them. I didn’t grow up in a musical household where my mom and dad listened to these artists. The type of music I was exposed to was old reggae artists that my parents and their friends would play at barbeques. My parents would burn CDs and listen to the same CD for like a year. And I can recite those songs. I can recite those whole CDs. And in a sense, I’ve learned to listen to music in the same way. I’ll obsess over an artist for like a year, and listen to all their songs in depth. And I know some people can listen to music like that, having both breadth and depth but that honestly isn’t me. I always feel weird being unable to connect to people over these artists because I never listened to them. That’s not what my childhood was filled with, and that isn’t what my life right now is filled with either. It’s hard to accept this about myself when so many people are vocal about the 1000s of songs they listen to and know, and the songs that have profoundly touched their hearts. I’m happy for them, it’s wonderful that they have these experiences. But I just don’t. And it’s an incredibly alienating experience. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me because music isn’t a gigantic part of my life. 

It’s hard to accept to each his own, when it seems like everyone else has the same one. 

sicosa:

~La Pareja~
I just wanted to see some queer latinx art sooo. This was fun to do because of the lighting and it was not fun to do because of the lighting.Denim is tough. Branches are tough, leaves are tough. Flesh is fun and flexible. I wanted expressive strokes! I think I delivered kinda. As with every piece I learned a thing or two.
Hope someone out there enjoys!

sicosa:

~La Pareja~

I just wanted to see some queer latinx art sooo. This was fun to do because of the lighting and it was not fun to do because of the lighting.Denim is tough. Branches are tough, leaves are tough. Flesh is fun and flexible. I wanted expressive strokes! I think I delivered kinda. As with every piece I learned a thing or two.

Hope someone out there enjoys!

(via not-yoursister)

overwhelmed with this study abroad shit and i don’t even know if i’m going.

3 midterms this week and i have to go home this weekend to sort out this study abroad shit.

Thoughts

I’ve had thoughts going through my head that I’ve wanted to express for a while. A lot is starting to build up.

Let’s start with self-esteem. It’s been fluctuating a lot recently, and it’s unusual to fluctuate in this way. Usually I’ll have a bad day or two, then have several good days. Now it seems my bad moments with self image come a couple times a day. And I really don’t want that to happen again. I’ve made so much progress with loving myself, and loving the way I look. If my self esteem drops again my whole performance is going to drop, in my classes, in my student groups, with my friends. 

I’ve been really lonely and horny lately. I went to the movies with this girl and I thought it was going to be a date, but it wasn’t. There would have been romance/romantic tension if I went with one of my best friends. I was disappointed. I’ve been looking forward to having a crush, and feeling butterflies, and maybe finally having my feelings returned. And overall, this is contributing to the drop in my self esteem. 

As I’ve become more vocal about my queerness in my closest friend group, I’ve been experiencing more and more homophobic things. It’s causing some tension between us, because I call her out. I’ve been starting to speak up when I’m offended. 

Study abroad. My friends and I were accepted to the study abroad program to go to France. Part of me doesn’t want to go because in all honesty, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being so far way from home without my parents in a country I barely know surrounded by a language I barely know. I don’t think that’s a valid reason to not go, but I have to talk to my parents about it. I also, honesty, don’t think I can afford it. There’s so much financial pressure/strain on my family and I don’t want to add to it. 

There’s been a lot going on that makes me feel down. I’ve been positive on the surface, but beneath I feel this breakdown bubbling. And I feel like it’s going to be extended because none of these problems will be an easy fix. These are all long term. I’m tired. 

this self esteem i’ve been building up for so long is being shattered and brought down. 

it’s a sad night for me. 

bellahugo:

i mean what if we just began relationships with what we’re ashamed of, scared of, protective of, what we privately enjoy, what taboo things we view as normal…just get that shit out the way first and then see who sticks around…that would be interesting, maybe save a whole lotta time.

raaawrbin:

stirringwind:

raaawrbin:

I feel like very few, or at least not many of the people of tumblr are aware of what is going on in my home country Hong Kong right now.

You guys gave alot of coverage and support when Scotland was voting for its independance, so I’m hoping you’ll all support the people of Hong Kong as well.

Right now, many of us are in a mass demonstration of pro-democracy against China. But wait a sec, isn’t Hong Kong China? This is a big misconception amongst foreigners, but please, we are far from being similar to China at all.

A little history class: Hong Kong used to be colonized by the British, and before you white-knights begin going all “them damn white racist ppl taking over another asian country” please don’t. We are thankful Britain took us under its wing and instilled in us values that I feel made us what we are today; that is, a democratic people with respect for free speech, amongst many things.

On the other hand, China is communist, with government controlled media and news. Google, instagram, facebook and many tv shows are blocked in China. It really is just a few steps from North Korea imo.

So what’s the problem here? Britain unfortunately had to hand back Hong Kong to China, but one of the requirements is that Hong Kong be allowed to operate as ‘one country two systems’, meaning Hong Kong should be able to have its own democratic government. But China has broken its promise. A while back, China tried to put a mandatory ‘national education’ curriculum in all our primary schools. We all know what that is; a communist brainwashing regime. And now, they have announced that in 2017 Hong Kong will be able to vote for its president; BUT only from 3 candidates hand picked by its PRO-BEIJING legislation.

As you can see, China is trying to takeover completely and turn us into another communist state.

Of course, we have taken to the streets. In a mirror if the Tiananmen protests, students have also stepped up to fight for our rights and our future, albeit in a peaceful protest of course. But the police force who have always been a friend of the people, are now responding with force, something that had never been done before in Hong Kong.

First it was pepperspray, then teargas. Then, armed forces came in qith rubber bullets. They warn they will come out with live ammunition soon if we do not get off the streets but the people continue to sit tight, disrupting businesses China so strive to takeover and make use of. It’s been 2 days now, but the people plan to continue at least till 1st October or even beyond. The significance is that October 1st is China’s National day, not ours, Hong Kong has not been granted it’s own National day.

Please spread the news. This is a country we’re talking about. These are my people.

You can join this event to wear yellow in support of my people on October 1st.

You can also read a more detailed explanation of what’s going down here and watch a live feed here.

Just to add on- Hong Kong is one of the rare examples where it did kind of end up being better off under colonial rule. And before I get jumped on for being a neo-colonialist- I’m saying that as a person with Chinese ancestry whose great grandparents left China because of the accumulated poor situation caused by the Opium Wars and political strife in the early 1900s. Do not dichotomise conflicts outside the world as “White people oppressing POC”. Yes Chinese people have been victims at the hands of the British, then the Japanese- but today the Chinese government is culpable in corruption and human rights abuses- even against its own citizens in the mainland. There were thousands of disturbances last year in China over various issues like land grabs, corruption and pollution. The government has also been oppressing ethnic minorities like the Tibetans and Muslim Uighurs. What you see happening here in Hong Kong is another pattern in the behaviour of an authoritarian government that really needs to be held more accountable.  

Yes, the Opium Wars fucked China up, but the Communists really ruined the country during the 1950s onwards with the disastrous Great Leap Forward. There was a horrible famine caused by state mismanagement- and by the end of it all, it’s estimated anywhere from 18 million to 45 million Chinese died. Far more than died in WW2. And then of course, the infamous Cultural Revolution where there were basically witch-hunts which just caused enormous upheaval and strife, where people were “outed” as “bourgeois” or capitalists or whatever and imprisoned, tortured and publicly humiliated. University students and professors were accused of being traitors. Even the Communist Party today acknowledges it was a complete disaster. While all of this was going on, by comparison, Hong Kong flourished under British rule.

The China you see today that is the world’s second largest economy is a product of Deng Xiaoping’s reform in the 1970s- which involved throwing out huge parts of the Communist economic policies to embrace capitalism- and putting a stop to the blind and rigid adherence to Communist ideology. Economically, China is in many ways very open to capitalism BUT politically, the government is pretty authoritarian still. And quite capable of oppression.

Do not lionise the Chinese government as this heroic “POC” country standing up to “white supremacy”, give them a free pass, or somehow think whatever they do cannot be as bad as Western imperialism. People with my skin colour are perfectly capable of oppression when they have institutional power. And they darned well better be called out for it. 

^^^^ YES

(via not-yoursister)