Notes to Self

I’ve started writing reminders/advice/letters to myself on index cards and posting them on my wall. I don’t want to struggle with loneliness and rejection as I have in the past so if I have constant reminders up, I’m hoping it will help keep the negative thoughts away. As much as I’ve stopped cutting myself, I still have many masochistic tendencies. I still do things that harm myself. It’s an old habit that I need to break. 

My letters make me incredibly vulnerable when friends come to my room, especially since they address things I never talk about with other people. I slightly hope it will start conversation and inspire people to think differently about themselves. I also slightly hope they wont pry too deep into my personal life, especially if I’m not ready to be that vulnerable with someone. I also hope no one laughs at my letters because they reveal my deepest insecurities. But my room is my space, so I’m allowed to be as vulnerable as I want. I just hope I follow my own advice. 

Re-evaluating Crushes

After having thought about this for some months, I’ve realized that the unhealthy obsessive way I deal with crushes is learned behavior. I’ve known that how I interact with my crushes has been unhealthy since I was 14, and that hasn’t changed. Whenever I have a crush on someone, I feel like I revert to 14 year old behavior. As much as I have matured, the way I deal with crushes hasn’t. I obsess over them, I think about them all the time, I imagine scenarios where we talk to each other, while never, or rarely actually talking to them. I obsess over a projected imaginary relationship.

But where did I learn to do this? The media. Anytime a girl on TV has a crush on a boy, she obsesses over him, she thinks about him all the time, he has all of her attention always, it’s as if she has nothing else going on in her life. This is oppressive, growth stunting behavior. It is a function of the patriarchy to make a girl think it is normal to devote all of her attention, all of her brain space, all of her thought to someone she has a crush on. I had to admit that I was oppressing myself with this behavior. I committed to unlearning such harmful behavior. 

So here I am now trying to unlearn harmful behavior. Unlearn that whether or not one person responds to me does not determine how my week goes, unlearning that it is necessary for me to know every single detail about my crush without knowing that through conversation, unlearning that i need to be where my crush is at all times, unlearning that when I have a crush on someone it becomes the single most important event in my life, unlearning that if my crush doesn’t like me back my self esteem should be affected in some way, unlearning that crushes are a source of stress because they take up so much energy.

But the process doesn’t end there. I have to relearn new, healthier ways of dealing with crushes. I have resolved to relearn these with girls. I haven’t internalized a preset method of seeing girls deal with crushes on girls because this hasn’t been represented. (Also because I’m more interested with relationships with women at the moment). Although dealing with my latest rejection was hard, it enabled me to reevaluate a crucial part of my life that was holding me back from feeling like I’ve fully matured. Thank you for not liking me, because now I am able to move on.

It’s such a jarring experience to move from queer spaces to non queer spaces. I was at a workshop discussing Queer and Trans consent, where we talked about power dynamics in queer and trans relationship, consent, and stepping up to intervene where violence is potentially taking place. It was a wonderful experience that made me think about a variety of things relating to my queer identity. 

Then I went to my friend’s room, where three of my straight black gal pals were hanging out. So one of my friends (let’s call her C) asks “what is foreplay?” So we were explaining that it’s activity that get you in the mood for sex. Then my other friend, A, gave her examples and said something along the lines of “when he gives you head, or when you give him head.” C said “isn’t oral sex just sex?” And I said yeah, it is. Then A was insisting that oral sex is foreplay because it isn’t intended to make you cum. Apparently, her definition of foreplay is sexual activity that isn’t intended to make you cum. To myself I thought, why would you give head to someone if it isn’t supposed to make you cum? Another friend, B, said that in lesbian relationships oral sex wouldn’t be foreplay, because it’s just sex. “A” sort of dismissed that and kept asserting that in her situation it’s foreplay because it isn’t supposed to make you cum.

It was almost a stressful experience because she wasn’t considering the experience of queer people at all, with her assertions that oral sex is mostly foreplay. I understand you’re in a cishet relationship but that doesn’t mean you can’t consider the experiences of queer people. It was uncomfortable coming from a space dedicated to queer and trans people and relationships, going into a space where some people were unwilling to consider us. My conclusion for all this: I need more queer friends.

I was in the mood to read webcomics, so I googled “best webcomics” and a buzzfeed list came up. I knew this was a mistake before I clicked on it but I clicked on the link regardless. I scrolled through all the descriptions uninterested until it talked about “girls with slingshots” which buzzfeed claims is “one of the few prominent web comics to honor the experience of queer women.” They also had a snippet of a comic which showed a white woman and a brown skinned woman. I was thinking “Great! Queer women of color!”

So I started reading. The first few comics had two white women as the main characters. Then I read more and they both identify as straight. Where are the queer women of color I’m expecting, I wondered. I kept reading, only to be disappointed by the cliche moments that were supposed to be humorous and stereotypical tropes, interactions and characters. I kept reading out of boredom. Then the webcomic became really problematic with an implicit sexual assault scene which really disgusted me. Somehow, I still kept reading. The author issued a defense saying she was called out by her readership and does not support sexual assault and that readers should wait and see where the story arc goes. I kept reading. Then one of the characters talked about “reverse sexism” and this may be where I draw the line. Am I so willing to find good representation of queer people of color that I’ll read through this annoying white bullshit before I get there. Will it even be worth it? I’m desperate enough to keep reading unless someone has a recommendation which is less problematic, cliche, and more engaging. 

I recently decided to start being active on facebook again. I would go on the website every day but never post anything. Now I’ve been posting political statuses and calling people out on their bullshit. I’m proud of myself. At least I’m using my voice on social media. 

I haven’t been writing because I’m lazy. I’ve become complacent and I hate that about myself. I’m working on changing but to be honest I’m procrastinating. I don’t like doing things that requires effort. My physical sluggishness accompanies mental sluggishness. Acceptance is the first stage but all I seem to do is accept and nothing else. 

stele3:

Ferguson Police have dogs and shotguns. The unarmed crowd is raising their hands.

For anyone not following the Mike Brown story on Twitter: a 17 year old black boy named Mike Brown, who was supposed to start college tomorrow, was shot to death in Ferguson, Missouri by police while jaywalking. He was unarmed. He was shot 9 times.

Initial media reports claimed that an 18 year old black man had been shot and killed while fleeing police after shoplifting.

People in the neighborhood, including members of Mike Brown’s family, came out of their homes and began to protest, shouting “no justice, no peace,” and keeping their hands in the air.

Media reports claimed that a violent mob quickly formed around the shooting location shouting “kill the police.”

Spread this. Tell the truth about what happened to this boy. Tell the truth about what is happening NOW. The police and the mainstream media is painting him as a criminal, and his community as a violent mob.

SPREAD THIS. Don’t let them lie.

(via knowledgeequalsblackpower)